How Are You Living?
I’ve never felt heartache like the pain that stung my heart on July 27, 2004.
He had the world at his fingertips. He was driving home from California after completing a summer internship. Football camp was set to start the next week and he’d be the senior kicker and punter. At 6’7″, his long, lanky legs let him make kicks that no Division II kicker should’ve been able to hit. There were rumblings that he could go pro. He was smart, though, too. At one of the most challenging institutions in the United States, he managed many times in three years to rack up a perfect 4.0 grade point average.
On a July day on his way home to a future that shined bright, he fell asleep behind the wheel in Utah. His car flipped and items he was bringing back to Colorado from California struck him in the head. He died that day in a hospital room in Utah, even though he fought to stay alive.
Yesterday, my old friend Scott would’ve turned 30.
After finishing a few stories, I decided to get in the car, go buy some yellow roses and visit the grave site I couldn’t muster the strength to visit for the last nine years.
I got to the cemetery, walked into the office and asked if they could help me find my friend.
A woman sat me down in an empty room and had me fill out information about Scott on a piece of paper. She then returned with a big binder and a plot map. She looked at the information I scribbled on the paper, looked up and me and said, “Oh wow. He was young.”
He was young. And he had the world at his fingertips. 21-years-old. We thought we were so old then. But we really were just babies.
The lady mapped out a route for me to go find Scott. Seeing the look of confusion on my face she said, “Why don’t I drive out to his marker and you can follow me. I want to make sure you can find him.”
So I followed her. As she parked her black minivan, I knew the moment I’d been dreading for nine years was about to happen. I grabbed my bundled up yellow roses, wiped the hair from my face and got out of my car.
Walking a few steps behind her, I watched as she would sweep off debris from graves that families and friends had forgotten. After several failed attempts to locate his, we finally found Scott.
She tapped me on the shoulder and said she’d be heading back to her office.
She hadn’t even gotten three feet away from me when I turned my head the other way and started crying harder than I have in ages.
The best person to ever come into my life would’ve turned 30 yesterday. I fought back tears as I thought about what he’d be doing now. The picture perfect family he’d likely have. The success he would’ve found in his career. The lives he would’ve touched with his warm spirit.
For as much as he lived and as right as he lived his life, the images that fluttered through my mind of what Scott would be doing yesterday were some of the most beautiful ideals I could paint for a life.
Eventually, the tears stopped trailing down my face as quickly as they started. I thought about how at 18-years-old, I’d linger after cheerleading practice just to get a hello from Scott. I laughed about how at the night of my first fraternity party–when I was on crutches–he stood by me all night as we improvised dance moves. I smiled when I thought about how I can’t even tell you who played in Super Bowl 37, because the football player and the cheerleader spent the entire game in the back of the room making each other laugh.
Selfishness set in as I lowered myself to sit down by his grave and wiped away the leaves that had fallen on it. As I placed the yellow roses in the vase and poured what little water I had into it, I thought about the corners my life has turned in the last nine years. I wondered what avenues I wouldn’t have traveled had Scott been around. I questioned how my life would be better if he were still in it.
Swept up in emotion and letting my imagination get the most of me, a couple walked past me, and once again, I remembered that he’s gone.
The point of this story isn’t a mystery. The point here, is to live each day to your fullest. The point is to chase your dream. The point is to let the people you love know just how much you love them. The point is that sometimes, you have to use heartache as a reflection of what you really should be doing with your life.
And most importantly, you need to ask yourself, “How am I living?”
Managing Monday: Summer Internship Advice
Spring has sprung, which means that for collegians, summer vacation is just around the corner! Summer vacation likely brings many fun things, like spending time with hometown friends and family vacations. However, it should also bring a summer internship. This week on Managing Monday, I’ll provide you with five tips to help you make the most out of your summer internship experience.
1. Finding an internship
I’m a big proponent of starting from the beginning. Thus, I’d be remiss to not begin this column with talking about finding an internship. Many of you have probably already lined up a summer internship. However, many of you are probably struggling to find one. What do you do if you find yourself in this boat? The answer centers around creativity.
If you do not have a summer internship lined up at this point, you do not necessarily need to fret or convince yourself that you will not get one. However, what you need to do, is execute a more creative job search than you have up until this point.
What is it that you want to do in a career? What areas of practice interest you? Where will you be residing this summer? Make a list of all of those factors. Then, make a list of all of the companies, organizations or people who could offer you the experiences you are looking to fulfill.
Let’s say that you’re a law student who wants to practice sports law. Luckily for you, sports law is a broad field with many different avenues to travel down. Where could you begin sending resumes to in an attempt to find an internship?
By this point in the year, teams and leagues have likely locked up their interns. However, it would be worth your time to visit TeamWork.com to see if any have postings.
Therefore, you should think broader about your internship search. Think about local sports agencies and sports marketing companies. How local sports foundations or event planning agencies? What about pairing up with a sports law professor and assisting him or her with their research? Have you reached out to your local university’s athletics compliance department to see if you could assist them this summer? Athletics directors are some of the most over-worked people I know; I’m sure a few would love to host an intern for the summer.
The point here, is that you need to be broad with your internship search. The goal is to get an internship so that you can build your resume. In approaching these various opportunities, you need to sell them on what you can offer their organization. Some places you contact may not have an internship program, so you need to convince them that it’s worth their time to bring you on for the summer. This may seem counter intuitive, since you’ll likely be working for free. However, keep in mind that it is the organization who offers the possibility of an internship opportunity that you covet. As such, act accordingly.
2. If you don’t find an internship
Sometimes, you may exhaust every creative avenue and mail out hundreds of resumes and still not land an internship. The good news is, life is not over. I assure you that you will find employment after graduation. However, not finding a summer internship does not equate to a free summer pass, where you can lay around all day catching up on Teen Mom 2 episodes. The fact of the matter is, even if you don’t have a summer internship to work, you still need to do something to further your career path this summer.
If you find yourself in this boat, the biggest piece of advice I’ll offer you is to spend the summer educating yourself about your passion and then finding an outlet to share that education with the world.
The best advice I can give you if you don’t have a summer internship, is to spend the time you would otherwise spend in the internship (i.e., 15-40 hours per week) researching areas related to your chosen career field. Then, take what you learn from that research and turn it into something tangible. Perhaps you do this by starting a blog or writing a law review or business journal article. Maybe you accomplish this by building a business plan or reaching out to leaders in your industry with your findings.
Sometimes you need to create your own resume fillers. When you refuse to sit idly by when others fail to give you a chance in the profession you want to practice, you put the fate of your career in your own hands. Trust me, that is one of the greatest feelings you can ever experience.
3. Arriving at the internship
I remember always being unable to sleep the night before I started an internship. Feelings of excitement over what I was about to experience always fluttered through me. I always fretted over whether my outfit was ironed well enough and if I packed a good enough lunch.
One of the most important pieces of advice I can give you to succeed on your first day on the job, is to walk in reasonably prepared.
Being reasonably prepared has nothing to do with the outfit you select for your first day or what kind of sandwich finds its way into your lunch bag. Rather, being reasonably prepared means having some sense of the situation you’re about to walk into. What I mean by this, is to spend the weeks leading up to the start of your internship researching things like the organizational structure of the company you’ll be working for. It is also beneficial to research the people you will be working alongside. The first task can be accomplished by spending some time on the organization’s website and reading it in detail. The second task can be accomplished by using LinkedIn. Researching these two areas will allow you to have a better sense of what causes you are about to promote in your internship, who you can expect to report to, and how to build a rapport with co-workers.
I’ve put this practice to beneficial use in my career. Knowing the organizational structure of a company has allowed me to recognize who the best people are to ask for assignments. Knowing my co-workers’ professional and personal backgrounds allowed me to build camaraderie with them early on. This camaraderie in turn allowed me to obtain more assignments than some of my peers. Because my co-workers knew my interests, they would present opportunities, like participating in arbitrations, researching sports-related topics and so on, that that wouldn’t have otherwise had they not known my interests.
4. Throughout the internship
The best thing you can adopt throughout an internship is a “can-do” attitude. You are at the internship to work, not relax. You are at the internship to gain experience that others are missing out on and to make you a more valuable job candidate after graduation. You are at the internship to decipher what interests you about your career path and which areas you are not so passionate about.
There is no task too small for an intern. Yes, fetching coffee and making copies are not the tasks you or your parents have spent tens of thousands of dollars on an education to prepare you for. However, we have all been there before. What can you learn from those experiences? How might performing those experiences well allow you to work your way into bigger tasks with greater responsibilities?
Early in your internship, you should ask to sit down with the internship coordinator to discuss some things you hope to learn during your experience. While it may not be feasible to tackle your entire wish list, hopefully by sharing these desires, the coordinator will assign you some relevant projects.
The more you are willing to take on during an internship, the more opportunities will come your way. I experienced this firsthand at the Screen Actors Guild and Warner/Chappell Music. At both, I worked to develop professional relationships with all of my co-workers and to express to them my willingness to help out with any projects they were working on. As such, my desk was often more full than fellow interns’, and more often than not, with more interesting projects. I’ll never forget when the head general counsel at Warner/Chappell assigned me a project that its own attorneys had been struggling with for months, because he had seen my work and believed I could find the solution to it. As a 22-year-old law student, that was a very rewarding feeling.
So, get out there and get your feet wet. Make the most out of the opportunity presented to you. Don’t expect your boss to be a mind-reader and know what you want to get out of your internship experience. Seek out opportunities to build the experience you need to get the job you want after graduation.
5. After the internship
The experience doesn’t end on your last day on the job. Rather, it is just beginning.
You’ve just spent the summer with professionals in an industry you want to work in. The most important thing you can do perhaps during the entire experience, is to work to maintain those relationships. Keep in contact with the people who supported you throughout your internship. Make it a point to touch base with them once a semester and update them on what you’re doing. Let them know how school is going and any activities you are engaging in. If possible, set up a lunch or coffee visit once per semester.
Building a solid network begins by holding onto relationships that you have already established. Some of my biggest supporters on this sports media journey of mine have been my former employers. It is likely that if you bring a “can do” attitude to your internship, that yours will be, too.
Living Intentionally: Financially
Money is the root of all evil. Or so they say.
Since I was young money has played an interesting role in my life. My dad grew up with nothing. He actually was homeless for some of his teenage years. While my family is by no means rich, when I was a child, I feel like my dad was making up for lost time by splurging on things. He’d go overboard on Christmas gifts. He bought me a brand new car the day I got my driver’s permit. Then I crashed my mom’s car, so she got to keep the brand new car. But that is neither here nor there.
I grew up living next door to my grandparents and they practically served as surrogate parents for me. My grandmother was born in 1907 and my grandfather was born in 1913. They lived through the Great Depression and the dust bowls. In contrast to my dad, they were relatively financially conservative. However, my grandfather’s lasting line about money was that “you can’t take it with you when you go.” As a tribute to this motto, we actually put some cash in his suit jacket pocket before we buried him.
I think in large part because he grew up poor and homeless, my dad worked tirelessly throughout my childhood so I would never have to worry about money. I always had what I needed and if I wanted something badly enough and gave a good reason for it, nine times out of ten I got it.
While I enjoyed living this way growing up, difficult times arose for me after I graduated from college and became financially independent. I was used to hitting the mall every weekend and buying whatever outfit I wanted. It was normal for me to go out to nice dinners three or four nights a week. However, once the money was coming out of my own pocket to support all of my life’s habits, I had to begin living intentionally. There have been some struggles along this process as I’ve learned things I wish I would have learned earlier in life. However, I’ve taken away some good tips that have allowed me to gain a reasonable sense of financial security for a 28-year-old.
1. High Interest Snowballs
The one thing in my life I wouldn’t let my parents pay for was law school. Law school was my dream, not theirs. As such, I thought it was appropriate that I foot the bill for it. Thus, I have student loans. For what it’s worth, it turns out that when you go to law school in one of the most expensive counties in the United States that your law school bill gets a little hefty. Who knew?
After law school I dug into books filled with investing advice. Many of these books have suggestions of ways to pay down your debt. The strategy I’ve adopted is a combination of Suze Orman’s and Dave Ramsey’s theories. So far, it’s proven successful.
Suze Orman is a big proponent of paying off your debts that bear the greatest interest first. She says if you do this, you’ll eliminate debt quicker. Dave Ramsey promotes a “snowball” method, where you pay off your smallest debt first irregardless of its interest rate. Once that debt is paid off, you roll over what you would’ve paid on the now paid off debt to the next lowest debt. And so on and so forth.
Suze is smart. Dave is smart. When you combine both of their ideas, you are met with financial genius.
The intentional action plan I have adopted to pay off my student loan debts is one where I work each month to pay off smaller loans that have higher interest rates. By doing this, I make a dent into some of my higher interest loans while also paying some off more quickly and in turn, receive the opportunity to reallocate what I would pay on them to pay off other debts.
In the last year, I’ve used this method to pay off two of my student loans. Granted, they weren’t my biggest loans, but still–they’re gone. For a twenty-something person, I’m not sure if there is a better feeling than receiving the letter saying that you no longer have to pay a debt.
2. Budgeting
Truth be told, the hardest thing for me to do financially is budget. I like nice things. People at Nordstrom may or may not know me by name. NFL players may or may not ask me to help them purchase wardrobes. It’s a passion of mine.
However, I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth and I am not independently wealthy. As such, I cannot live as though I am either of those things. Therefore, I budget.
Budgeting can be a real buzz kill. There are things you want to buy and things you want to do. Realizing that you can’t can cause disappointment and stress. Thus, with budgeting it’s important that you intentionally set limits that are within your boundaries and are realistic. It’s also important that you don’t let your budget consume your life.
When my student loan payments became due in October 2009 I sat down and listed all of my monthly expenses in an Excel spreadsheet. I then subtracted that amount from my income. With that, I was left with a number of remaining funds. From there, I decided a reasonable amount to invest with (which I will discuss below) and a reasonable amount to use each month for shopping and fun.
I visit my Excel budget each Monday. On Mondays I pay all of my bills that are due that week and also track how much money is in my checking account. If that number is lower than it should be, I adjust my personal spending during the week so that I can get back to my goal. If it is higher that I expected it to be, I allow myself some flexibility and treat myself to something like a new outfit or a nice dinner.
Budgets are some of the biggest causes of stress for people my age. If you let the thought of money consume your life, it will. The most important thing when it comes to budgeting, is to be realistic. I know I could be saving more. However, I also know that I’m the type of person who wouldn’t be happy if I was saving any more than I am. As such, with budgeting it’s important that you intentionally set yourself up for success. You know what you are capable of and you also know how much you need to put away for a rainy day. Budget accordingly.
3. Saving
Once I hit the real world, I was put in a position where I had no choice but to begin saving. One of my best friends from law school, Austin, became a financial analyst after we graduated. After sitting for the bar, Austin and I met in his office and went over the various saving tools his company could offer me. At the time, I had an enormous mountain of debt and had just begun working. In other words, I was pretty broke. However, Austin gently told me that I needed to begin saving something for my retirement and other big milestones in my life, like buying a house.
Investing pundits like Suze Orman tell you that you shouldn’t save money until all of your debts are paid off. I coudln’t disagree more. I think that I would be at my wits end if I didn’t know that I had some money in the bank saved up. It’s unrealistic to tell people that they should not begin planning for their future via saving until their past expenditures are paid off. Therefore, each month I put approximately ten percent of my paycheck into mutual funds. On top of this, I have my 401K offered by my work. While neither of these are going to allow me to retire by the time I am 40, I know that I am at least beginning to make a dent in saving the amount of money I need to save for retirement. Additionally, committing myself to saving these amounts has forced me to be intentional with my budget. Each month I know that draws will be made from my checking account to put the money into these accounts. As such, it holds me accountable and forces me to spend accordingly.
If you have trouble putting money into these accounts, perhaps the best advice I could give you is to hire one of your good friends as your financial advisor. Whenever we review my finances, Austin points out to me how much more I could’ve saved had I not taken that trip to Miami or bought that designer handbag. While I’d like to say that his hassling me about these things has made me turn completely to the good side and become a total Saving Sally, that would be a lie. However, his comments have motivated me to become a better saver and work harder towards achieving my financial goals.
If you don’t have a good friend in the financial industry, I offer you mine. He is a star at what he does, has always gotten me a good return on my investment and if you tell him you know me, he’ll probably tell you some good stories about the trouble we got into in college. You can check him out here.
Overall, for me, living intentionally financially comes down to balancing the financial practices of my dad and grandfather. It is the realization that yes, I need to save for that rainy day, but at the same time, I need to live life and enjoy it. Because as we all know, you can’t take it with you when you go.
Living Intentionally: In Friendships and Relationships
A couple of years ago I had a really rough day at work. At that time, I was living in Orange County, California, so I did what I did whenever I had a rough day at work: I got in the car, opened the sun roof, and drove the winding Pacific Coast Highway down to Laguna Beach straight to my favorite store: Tuvalu.
Tuvalu is a home furnishing and decorating store in the heart of Laguna Beach. It is filled with coastal-inspired designs and knick-knacks. There’s a book section in one corner of the store that has this absurd way of making any bad day of mine better. I’ve spent numerous afternoons in that book section thumbing over covers, looking to find the perfect words for whatever I may be going through at a given moment.
On one particular spring day, I picked up Anna Quindlen’s “A Short Guide To A Happy Life.” I was familiar with Quindlen, but never read any of her books. After reading “A Short Guide To A Happy Life,” I was hooked on her simplistic and concise writing.
In the book, Quindlen spends a significant amount of time talking about the importance of relationships to ensuring happiness. In one simple paragraph, she sums up what it means to live intentionally in friendships and relationships:
I am a good friend to my friends, and they to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today, because I would be a cardboard cutout. But I call them on the phone, and I meet them for lunch. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh.
Truth be told, my life has become exponentially more busy since July 1, 2011. The busyness of my life was summed up when a guy I met this fall added me on LinkedIn. Later, when we would talk again, he quipped,”So you work what, three jobs?” It’s easy to let relationships go by the wayside when you are busy. And truth be told, we are all busy. How then, do you use living intentionally to get the most out of your relationships?
1. Show Up
My schedule no longer allows me to attend every social event I’m invited to or want to attend. This is one of the byproducts of becoming an adult–your free time dissipates. Yet, my friends would tell you that I still show up.
With an adult (aka busy) schedule, prioritizing is key to showing up. I intentionally make a point to recognize the important moments in my friend’s lives. I call on birthdays. I send messages on anniversaries. I show up at the hospital when babies are born. I show up with a bottle of wine when the jerk dumps her.
Being a friend requires taking the time to be intentional in recognizing the important moments your friends are experiencing. A phone call after a doctor’s appointment you know they had scheduled could mean all of the difference in the world. A “Hey, I’m proud of you” message after a milestone at work is accomplished lets them know you’re not just a friend, but a cheerleader. Asking to sit down for coffee and look at pictures of their most recent trip shows that you care about the biggest moments in their life.
While it’s important to show up in the big moments, it’s also important to show up in the mundane. With busyness, this takes greater intentions. I work to carve out at least one non-weekend day that I set aside specifically for activities with friends. This practice has allowed me to find better balance in my life, while also developing better relationships with those I care the most about.
And truth be told, the reason why this post didn’t make it up last night, is because I took my own advice. A friend called and asked me out to dinner. Seeing the fun opportunity to catch up, I made the intentional decision that work could wait until another day.
2. Be Present
While showing up is important, if all you did in your friend’s big moments was grace them with your appearance, your relationships wouldn’t have any depth. Thus, it’s important to also be present in the moment during interactions with friends.
The easiest way to be present in a moment is to be completely open to it. Take in the surroundings. Share what’s on your mind. Ask questions that really get to what is on the heart of your friend. Where is their life taking them right now? What joys are they celebrating? What hurts are they suffering through?
Being present means that you open yourself up completely to those around you. You let them in to the joys being celebrated in your life. You do this with the hope that they will celebrate along with you. You let them in to the hurts you’re suffering through. You do this with the hope that they will offer you peace to get you through your suffering.
In turn, being present means that you intentionally react to the joys and suffering that those around you share with you. You do this through empathy. Empathy requires that you put yourself into the shoes of your friend and try to imagine what they’re going through. Empathy requires you to offer reassurance of hope, gifts of support and a promise of a continued friendship.
One of the greatest gifts I’ve been given in this life, is that my friends open up to me. I’ve been on the receiving end of many secrets and breaking news stories in my friends’ lives. I truly believe this is only because I have shown up in their lives and when I did, I was present.
3. Intentional Offerings
Throughout my life, I’ve had a hard time accepting two things: First, that I can’t be friends with everyone and second, that not everybody has your best interest at heart.
I love people. I love learning their stories. I love hearing their ideas. I love being surrounded by them.
This love, in turn, means that I want to be friends with everybody. I want to be well liked. I want to be well received. I want to hang out with the entire world in one giant party, alright?
Unfortunately, though, I’ve learned that not everybody has your best interests at heart. Not everybody wants to be the type of friend that you want to be to them. Sadly, in this world there are some people that just want to use you and lose you.
As the wool has been pulled away from my eyes on this topic, I’ve become much more intentional about who I let into my life and who stays in my life. The area in which I’ve done this the most hasn’t necessarily been with friendships, but more so with romantic relationships.
I’m the type of person who will give my heart away at the drop of a dime. I’m the type of person that if I truly feel a spark, will get on an airplane and spend the rest of my life with somebody. I’m the type of person who will die before my loyalty for the ones I love is stripped from me.
Over the last year, this nature of mine has caused me a fair amount of heartache. I’m not sure if there’s a feeling that hurts worse than laying everything you have out on the line for someone you care about and that sentiment not being returned. I’m not sure if there’s something that hurts a heart more, than the realization that you love someone more than they will every love you.
What I’ve learned over the last year though, is to survey your surroundings. Oftentimes, a quick survey of the people around you can tell you much about your relationships. Do the people you show up for often and present yourself for return the favor? Are the people you show empathy and care for the ones who call you first when big news happens in your life? Is your life being celebrated by the lives you are celebrating?
Friendship, and love for that matter, are worlds of equals. You don’t beat somebody when it comes to friendship and love. The intention–unlike with most things in life–is to find equal ground. The idea, is to share your best with one another.
Living intentionally in friendships and relationships sometimes requires you to cut people out of your life. You don’t need to do it brashly or rudely. But you do need to do it. There’s only so much time in a day, and that time should be used to show up and be present for the people who show up and are present for you.
Living Intentionally: In Your Career
For as long as I can remember, one of my greatest intentions in life was my career. At the ripe age of 7 years old, I decided I wanted to go to law school. So, I began living intentionally to make that happen. I got straight-A’s. I performed well academically during undergrad and involved myself heavily in leadership roles. I then went on to law school, graduated and passed two bar examinations.
What nobody told me during this entire process, though, is that sometimes your desires shift. Yes, I love being a lawyer and am grateful for my career. However, I always imagined that upon graduation from law school, the bridge to the castle would be placed down and I’d be able to pass through the moat and straight into my dream life.
If you’ve been following along for some time, you know by now that that’s not what happened with my career. Rather, in 2011 I was forced to again raise my intentions to find the career I wanted.
These days, I’m asked frequently by students across the country about how to land a dream career in sports. My answers differ depending upon where they find themselves in life, but generally, they boil down to one thing: Intentions.
What is it that you want to do career wise? If you could wake up every morning for the rest of your life and only do one thing, what would it be?
After answering these questions, the next question should be, why aren’t I doing this job now?
The first two questions posed above lead to goal setting. The answer to the third will either be the objectives you need to complete to achieve that goal or excuses as to why you’re never going to work your dream job.
Here is an example of how I answered those questions when I started on this journey in 2011:
1. Career wise, I would love a job that combines three of my greatest passions in life: Sports, writing and the law.
2. If I could wake up every morning and do only one thing, I would write. I love nothing more than sharing stories with others and learning about the stories others around me have to tell.
3. Truth be told, before 2011 I wasn’t writing sports law and sports business stories because I created too many excuses for myself. It doesn’t pay enough. And I have massive student loan debt. I don’t have time to do this. Nobody would read what I wrote anyway, so it’d be a waste of time. And I don’t have time already.
Slowly, I gained the confidence I needed to make my entry into the field. The excuses that served as the original answer to my third question slowly faded. They were replaced with intentions.
I can make enough money doing this, because I am good at it.
I have enough time to do this, because it is important to me.
People will read what I say, because I will build a rapport with them.
In some areas of life, living intentionally takes longer to develop. Wanting to become a lawyer and acting out the intentions necessary to become one was second-nature for me. Wanting to become a sports writer and realizing I could become one, on the other hand, took some more time.
The lesson here is this: You have the greatest power of making your career goals come true. Look inwardly to define what they are. Then, get to work on making an action plan of what needs to be done to achieve those career goals. Once you have made that list, replace excuses for why you can’t complete it with intentions. And with that, my friends, you will be set on your way to finding the career of your dreams.
Living Intentionally
Over the last few weeks, there’s been a mantra that’s be dictating my steps: Live intentionally.
Make choices.
Act out of preparation, not instinct.
Chart your own course.
The first three months of 2013 have been exciting for me. I’ve seen my career blossom in ways I never imagined. I’ve met new and wonderful people. I’ve traveled nearly 30,000 miles.
And while all this is great, truth be told, what it all amounts to is that I’ve been busy. Really, really busy. A friend leaned over me yesterday and looked at my iPhone. She said, “You realize you have 48 unread emails and 25 unlistened to messages on there, right?” Yes, yes I do.
With busyness comes the easy ability to let intentions go to the wayside. When you are battling busyness, the fight is just to survive the day. The war against busyness is won if all of your meetings are attended, no deadline goes missed and you get to bed at a reasonable time.
For me, what I’ve learned with busyness, is that there isn’t much time to ask questions like, “why,” “how” or “what.”
Why am I doing this?
How am I getting better?
What are my intentions?
And so, I think it is for these reasons that my silent motto over the last few weeks has been to “live intentionally.”
I found myself at the University of Arizona this weekend. I was there to facilitate the “Something of Value” conference for the school’s sorority women. The conference essentially works with women to address areas in their lives in which they aren’t living out their values. Then, it assists them in developing action items to begin living out their values.
Witnessing the process the college women went through to achieve this was so beneficial for me in this moment. They were basically outlining the areas of their lives that are out of whack and creating plans to get them back in order. It’s a process that most of us could benefit from. Myself included.
When you’re busy, it’s easy to let things get out of whack. Relationships. Friendships. Health. They all can be released when things are too hectic.
I took some time for myself last night. I thought back to the start of this journey, which really wasn’t so long ago, and what the girl who was battling a broken heart wanted out of this. What were her intentions? Am I living out those intentions?
It’s easy to get sidetracked on the journeys we all travel on. That’s why it’s important to live intentionally.
It all hit me in a hotel room in Tucson, Arizona this Saturday night. After witnessing the transformation of 100s of sorority women as they committed themselves to living intentionally, I realized that I’ve swayed off course.
When I started this journey, my intentions were clear: I wanted to be a positive voice in sports media. Plain and simple. I wanted to share things that others weren’t. I wanted to be an open dialogue and friend to all. I wanted to help and serve others.
Somewhere along the line, things have fallen a bit off course. Recently, my intentions have been murky. I worry about Twitter followers. Hits (or, “unique views”). What my “competition” is doing. What my “competition” isn’t doing. Sometimes, I question if I’m following the right path.
The problem with these intentions, is that they aren’t intentions. Rather, they’re worries. Nowhere in any of these concerns are the following: How is this helping others? How am I serving others? How am I becoming the best I can be?
And that’s the crux of all of this. When you aren’t living intentionally, worries seep into your life. Had I been following the intentions I laid out for myself some 19 months ago when all of this started, none of these worries would have creeped up. They wouldn’t have creeped up, because since I would’ve been acting out intentionally, I would have felt comfortable about where this journey is leading me.
I’m grateful for this weekend in Tucson and how it opened my eyes.
I chatted with my friend, Kelli Masters, today and told her about the way I was feeling. I admitted to spending my Saturday night in a hotel room in Tucson crying. Notably, Kelli and I are both Christians and women who travel frequently. I loved what she said to me about finding grace–even in hotel rooms, alone, while crying.
Most of all, though, I love the reassurance she gave me. “Alicia, God gave you a voice for a reason. You inspire people with what you say.”
That was my intention all along. To motivate people. To inspire people. To show people that anything is possible.
And so, that is how I’m going to live. Working intentionally to fulfill those needs. And living the life I intended all along to live.
The point of this, is there’s going to come a time when your journey, like mine, gets off track. When you come to that fork in the road, you have two options. Option one, is to keep traveling off track. That road leads you to disappointment and being unfulfilled. Option two, is to begin living intentionally. What are the intentions that you know dwell in your heart? What is it that you are on this planet to do? How are you going to do it? What are you going to change to make it happen?
Luckily, I had some time alone in a hotel room in Arizona on Saturday night to spend some time figuring out how I’m going to begin living intentionally.
I will post Tuesday through Friday on how I am building intentional living into the following areas of my life:
Tuesday: Career
Wednesday: Friends and Relationships
Thursday: Finances
Friday: Faith
I hope that you’ll read along and share ways in which you live intentionally! There’s a lot for all of us to learn and share with each other.
Days Like Today
Some days are days like today.
Last night I dreamed of an earthquake. My dreams are always really vivid and usually hidden somewhere in them is some sort of meaning. As I do many days, I got out of the shower and googled the meaning of this dream. “To dream of an earthquake suggests that you are experiencing a major ‘shake-up’ that is threatening your stability and foundation.”
I’ve been going so hard and fast lately that I haven’t taken enough time for myself. I’ve only been home three weekends out of the year. My friends and social life have been abandoned. When I get home, generally all I have time to do during the week is unpack, catch up on sleep and get ready for my next trip. I’m not complaining, because I love what I do. But, these are just the facts of my life right now.
Lately, I haven’t taken enough time to process thoughts, sort out intentions or be in touch with myself. I haven’t had much time lately to think about where this life of mine is going or whether the goals I hold are worthwhile. My habits have flown to the wayside.
I haven’t been talking to God lately as much as I should. My habit of reading the Bible every night before I go to bed has fallen out-of-place. I don’t feel like my goals are as in line as they should be and I feel like my action plan for achieving them could be set out better.
I had a doctor’s appointment at 8:30 a.m. I’m a big advocate of trusting your body and the signals it sends you. For a few days, I’ve felt like something is off and was experiencing some pain. The good news is that nothing major is wrong and since I trusted my body, we caught things early.
But, had we not, things really could have been shaken up. At least a lot worse than they were today.
Having days like the one I had today forces me to slow down. They force me to take a look at the people and things I’ve been exerting energy on in recent months. Were those people and things worth it? Or do I need to take a step away?
Days like today help me prioritize what’s important. They make me realize that yes, this life is short. These days of mine are the one shot I get to be on this planet. How am I living these days? What am I doing to make myself and the world around me better?
Days like today put into focus that believe it or not, this life is about more than me.
Today, and the news I got, serve as a gentle reminder that so long as you are alive, God gives us one more chance. He gives us another chance to slow down, make things right, forgive the things in your past that aren’t and go forward. As painful as this reminder could have been, I’m glad that my life wasn’t shaken too badly today.
I’ve gone back and forth since this morning about whether or not I should write anything about the day I had today. But ultimately, I’m an open book with all of you. My real reason in writing this though, is to motivate all of you to trust yourselves. When something felt off with my body, at first I thought, “I’m too busy right now to slow down and go to the doctor.” I could have very well ignored it. Who knows what would have happened if I did ignore it. However, that was a risk I was unwilling to take.
So, I really write all of this for one reason: Take time for yourself.
Take time for your health. Take time for your heart. Take time for your mind. Take time for your soul.
Because if you don’t, things can get shaken up.
A few weeks ago I spoke to students at Marquette University School of Law about how I began working in sports. Afterwards, I met individually with a 1L student looking for guidance on what type of sports career she should work towards.
The first thing I asked the student, was about her background. Where did she attend undergrad? What did she study there? What types of organizations and extracurricular activities was she involved with? The reason I asked these questions, was to get a sense of the experiences she gained in her undergraduate studies which make her unique. What did she have that few others share? To me, it is these things that make a person marketable and thus, the assets they should focus upon when searching for a job.
In speaking with this young woman, I learned that she completed her undergraduate studies at a university most recently known for its football prowess over the last five years. She grew up around football, as her father is a former player. Thus, while in college, she found herself working for one of the best football staffs in recent history. She managed to work her way up the program, and ultimately found herself responsible for various aspects of the program’s recruiting, including watching film.
She explained the above very matter-of-factly to me, as if it was nothing special or impressive. However, as she explained her background to me, my jaw was nearly on the floor. Her background was amazing. It is something few other men–let alone women–have. Her knowledge of the game of football, ability to breakdown plays through film, experience recruiting players along with her intelligence make her an incredibly attractive candidate for a number of sports jobs.
After going through her background, I thought it was important that I asked her what she ideally would like to do in sports before giving her my ideas. She mentioned that a career in sports media would interest her, as would a career being an agent.
Luckily, she named the one career I believe her unique experiences best suit her for. In my eyes, this woman’s background make her qualified beyond belief to become an agent. She knows how to recruit, which is the most important challenge any agent faces. She can read and understand film, which is something most agents do not entirely know how to do. And, she has the personality and smarts to be a successful businesswoman.
After breaking this down for her, it was like we had reached an epiphany. I was able to tell her how her very unique experiences make her an incredibly unique candidate for work as an agent. The wool was pulled from her eyes, and she was quickly realizing that she had a marketable background. She mentioned to me that she never saw her background as something very unique or exciting. However, it certainly is.
The point here, is that we all have exciting and unique backgrounds that make us well-suited for certain jobs. But, how do we realize which things in our lives that we might think are ordinary, but are really selling points for sports jobs?
The first thing I would suggest, is to make a list describing the various points of your background. Go through the history of your background on paper, like I did with the young lady above during our conversation. Write down what you think are even the most mundane things in your background.
After writing the list, brainstorm and write down up to three dream jobs in sports that you would enjoy working in. Do you want to be an agent? A general manager? An NCAA compliance officer? After brainstorming these jobs, write below them the specific experience and traits that these jobs require.
Next, place the two lists next to each other. How can each of your unique experiences address the needs that your dream jobs require? Write a third list with explanations for each of the job positions you listed.
Ultimately, what you are doing here is verbalizing how your unique experiences address the needs of a job you want. Knowing this will allow you to better succeed in an interview process. Likewise, it will help you craft better cover letters. At the smallest level, it will help you find a career that is best suited for you, your experiences and your interests.
This Friday, I have the honor of speaking at the University of Virginia Sports Law Symposium. The topic of the panel I’m on is “Legal and Practical Issues for Women in Sports and the Sports Law Industry.” Along with three other women (whose credentials are far more impressive than mine!) I will be speaking for an hour about the issues women face when breaking into careers in sports.
I must say, that when it comes to this, my story is probably somewhat dry. I have not been met with much adversity or sexism. Doors haven’t slammed in my face because of my gender. Rather, I would say the opposite is true. I would like to think that over the last 18 months, the sports world has embraced me. Opportunities have come my way. My peers, both male and female, have treated me with respect and kindness. I’m lucky in this regard, as I know many women before me drove a more difficult path. I’m grateful for the barriers they broke.
That being said, hurdles still exist for women when it comes to working in sports. Today, I want to share a few pieces of advice that I think are relevant for young women looking to break into a sports career.
1. You are a career chaser, not a jersey chaser
The quickest way for a woman to sink a career in sports is to be (or be perceived as) a jersey chaser.
These days, I meet and talk with many people interested in working in sports. Within a couple of minutes of talking to a woman interested in working in sports, I can tell whether she’s in it because sports are her passion or because she’s looking to get hooked up with a player.
I’ll be honest: Since launching RulingSports.com in July 2011, I have met my fair share of professional athletes. I call many of them friends now and have sturdy business relationships with 99.9% of them. Why is this? It is because I have not sought romantic relationships with them. When these men talk to me, they know that although I am a fun and kind person, I am business oriented. I am not speaking to them because of their fame or because I am after their money. I am talking to them because I am a professional interested in sharing their story. End of story.
The easiest way for a woman’s career in sports to get hung up, is by getting tied up with the wrong athlete. I’m not saying that you can never date an athlete if you want a career in sports, but you have to be incredibly careful. I’ll provide an example.
Last spring, an acquaintance of mine said he had someone he wanted to set me up with. As it turns out, this person plays for one of the most successful NFL teams in the last decade. At the time, I was single, so I figured, why not? The player and I exchanged a few emails. Given that he lived in another state, we began talking on the phone. He would call everyday like clockwork when he got out of OTAs. In all honesty, he was a really nice guy who was doing everything right.
Three weeks or so into us talking, he called at about 8:30 p.m. my time and asked me to get on a flight the next morning. A lot of women would probably jump at the opportunity to be flown across the country by an NFL player. I didn’t. I felt like I didn’t know this person well enough yet to be in a strange city with only him, and without my own sleeping accommodations. Even though he seemed to be a nice guy, I thought that doing this would put me in a potentially awkward situation. If things didn’t pan out well between us, I also ran the risk of alienating one of the most powerful teams in the NFL.
I told him I couldn’t take him up on the offer. Within a week, we were no longer talking. Long story short, I’m happy I trusted my head over my heart.
I’ve spent a long time building my reputation. Chances are, you have too. Thus, you need to tread lightly when it comes to mixing business with pleasure. You must think twice (actually, three times is probably best) before jumping into a relationship with an athlete or other person who works in sports. Only go into one if you believe with all of your heart that both your and his intentions are pure and that the relationship has some possibility of lasting.
2. The Katherine Webb Factor
By now, we all know the story of how ESPN commentator Brent Musburger gushed over Katherine Webb’s good looks during the BCS National Championship Game. In response to an apology she received from Musburger, Webb essentially said that she was not offended by his comments, but had they gone further, she would have been.
Some feminists may have been outraged by Webb’s response, but I actually found it very reasoned. The lesson here, is that as a woman, you need to pick your battles. If you want to become outraged over a man calling you beautiful, you can become outraged. This will likely garner you a less than appreciated reputation with other men in the industry. In fact, they will likely coin you with a nickname that rhymes with “ditch.”
I cannot tell you the number of emails I have received from men in the sports industry–players, executives, radio show hosts, you name it–that begin with words like, “Beautiful,” “Gorgeous,” “Dear” or “Darling.” Do I roll my eyes when I see these things? Yes. Am I mildly annoyed? Absolutely. Do I want to quip back with, “Hey, would you respond to my male counterpart’s email by acknowledging him as ‘Gorgeous'”? You better believe it.
But I don’t. And the reason why I don’t, is because to me, the battle isn’t worth it. Yes, their actions are annoying, but I suppose I could be called worse than the words listed above.
However, it is important that you set boundaries. And, if you feel uncomfortable with the words men in the industry are calling you, you need to tell them early on.
For me, any overtly sexual comment is a boundary line for me. Another boundary line for me is when communication extends beyond normal business hours. I am frequently a guest on sports radio shows nationwide. Since I call in to the shows, the hosts have my phone number. There are a handful of hosts who have used my phone number well beyond what is considered a reasonable time to contact someone. How do I handle these instances? First, I do not respond. Second, when I do respond in the morning, I tell them that I do not appreciate them using my phone number for personal purposes or beyond what is an acceptable time to contact somebody. They apologize, I thank them and we move on.
The point here, is that unfortunately, as a woman in a male driven industry, you need to pick your battles carefully. Then, once you have identified a situation as a battle, you need to tread calmly and professionally towards a resolution where you maintain your composure and your business contact. This takes practice, but if you can master it, you’ll hold your place in the industry and be respected.
3. Show What You Know and Play Nicely in the Sandbox
For some reason, I feel like women are less inclined to tout their knowledge and success than men. Personally, I have a hard time vocalizing my successes and bringing them up casually amongst acquaintances. Many of my male peers are very good at this, and I believe that this throws them a windfall.
It’s important for women to feel confident in their successes and to be able to vocalize them to their male counterparts. How you do this is important, as again, you do not want to be perceived as that word that rhymes with “ditch.”
For me, the easiest way for me to vocalize my successes has been to build genuine, professional relationships with men and women in the sports industry. From day one, I set out with the goal of being someone people in the sports industry would come to know, like and trust. I did this first and foremost by just being myself. I had no ulterior motives when I broke into this industry, other than my goal of working in it and sharing my knowledge with others. Because I wasn’t conniving or trying to do something other than what I told people I was about, people embraced me–men and women, veterans and industry newbies alike.
It’s important that when you break into sports, that you come into the circle as who you are. You’ll find that this is a tight-knit industry. That fact can help or hurt you. If you are well perceived in the industry, the interconnectedness of it will drive your career faster than you could believe. If people have ill-will towards you though, you will fight the rest of your career to break through that.
I have found that for me, someone who doesn’t prefer to boast publicly about accomplishments, the easiest way to vocalize my abilities has been through the help of others. As such, it’s important for women to make key and solid connections early in their journey of breaking into the world of sports.
Overall, this journey has been wonderful for me. I have experienced far less sexism in the sports world than I have in the legal world. My male peers have been some of my biggest supporters. I believe this is because they recognize that in me, they also have a supporter.
I’ll end on this note: While many people say that the road women travel to work in sports is difficult, if you make it, you’ll reap many benefits that men in this industry will never enjoy. How do I know? You can ask any of the hundreds of male journalists who waited in a long line outside of the Superdome to get into the Super Bowl, while I breezed by as one of only a handful of credentialed female journalists.
Managing Monday: The Easiest Thing You Can Do To Kick Start Your Career
Managing Monday is Alicia’s weekly career advice series. Check back every Monday for stories on how you can further your career and follow your dreams. If you have story ideas for this series, email Alicia.
I spent this past weekend in Milwaukee, WI after speaking at Marquette University School of Law on Friday. I was asked to speak at Marquette by my former (and favorite) law professor, Matthew Parlow. Professor Parlow was my favorite professor for several reasons. First, his passion for teaching is obvious. Second, because of that passion, he was one of the most energetic teachers I ever had. Third, he was more than a lecturer. He was someone who knew if we were going through personal battles and did his best to help us address them. He was someone who stayed in his office all hours of the day to ensure that we fully understood the law and were prepared to be the best lawyers we could be. To put it simply, he was dedicated.
Outside of marking up our term papers and revisiting our final examinations to show us what we did well and what we could improve on, Professor Parlow taught my classmates and I one very important lesson in our first year of law school. It is one that I have held onto and one that has proven invaluable.
The lesson? A simple one: Don’t feel entitled.
Save for doctors, lawyers undergo one of the greatest amounts of education to obtain their career. As such, many lawyers come out of law school with a feeling of entitlement. “I worked hard to get here, so I deserve some fancy career. And I deserve said fancy career without working any harder than I already have.”
This feeling of entitlement is a dream killer. If you want your career to sink upon graduating from law school, hold on to this feeling of entitlement. You will get nowhere with it and it will drop you like a cement anchor.
Why is that? It’s because everyone who has earned their successful place in life got there through hard work. Entitlement and handouts only get you so far. They may open the door for you and get you behind a desk. However, they will not keep you behind the desk and in all honesty, will likely shut the door behind you.
At 28-years-old, I am lucky to know a large group of young people who are working hard to make their dreams come true. I call many of these people “friends.” While we all come from different backgrounds–some of us from low-income families, others born with silver spoons–one thing is consistent: we have never walked into the opportunities we’re in without hard work.
What is the opposite of entitlement? The opposite of entitlement is hard work. When you are beginning your careers, you have to be willing to roll your sleeves up and take anything that is handed to you. You have to put on a face of happy willingness to serve the needs of your employer (within reason, of course). You must have the attitude of a Chick-fil-A employee. By that I mean, when your employer asks you for something, your response is that of a Chick-fil-A employee: “My pleasure.”
A non-entitled attitude is one who will do anything (again, within reason and ethically) to make their dreams come true. A non-entitled person works for free. A non-entitled person takes reasoned and ethical risks that entitled people would never take. A non-entitled person is the person who employers know they can rely upon.
One of my best friends has a big job interview today. I emailed a friend I know at the company to ask if she had any advice ahead of my friend’s interview. I laughed when she literally emailed me back and gave me one piece of advice:
“One piece of advice that I received that I would definitely pass along is to downplay the whole lawyer thing. I know it sounds crazy and totally counter intuitive. There are only two of us in a department of about 20. The other one worked her way up from associate but I’m told that she was overheard venting to coworkers about not being promoted fast enough, especially considering that she’s a LAWYER. That’s the kind of entitlement that our boss doesn’t have the patience for.”
I’m grateful that during my first year of law school, Professor Parlow taught me the important lesson of working my way to the top, rather than feeling entitled enough to get to the top. This lesson has opened more doors for me than any sense of entitlement ever would have.
Alicia Jessop 