Letting Go

I did something in church today that I haven’t done since I was an infant:  I cried.

I go to what my deceased grandmother, whose brother was a pastor, would call a “rock-and-roll church.”  For what it’s worth, the late Barbara May Watts would probably be mortified to learn that her nicely raised Lutheran of a youngest granddaughter goes to rock-and-roll church.

But today, I was grateful that I go to rock-and-roll church.  I was grateful, because with rock-and-roll church, comes light displays.  With light displays, comes a chance that at any moment, the lights will be dim.  And with dim lights, comes the possibility that nobody caught you crying at church at age 29.  For that, I am forever grateful that I go to rock-and-roll church.

I cried today at church, because the pastor preached a heaven sent sermon about releasing the one thing in our heart that we are holding onto to gain what God wants for us.

I released that person yesterday.

Sometimes in life, you are asked to spit out a handful of adjectives to define yourself so strangers can gain a sense of who you are.  My adjectives are generally the same:  I’m loyal; I’m driven; I’m passionate; I’m persistent; I’m hopeful.

Generally, these adjectives represent good things.  Having these adjectives define me has taken me to great places in my life.  When it comes to relationships, though, these adjectives can be like throwing kindle into a flame.

Something I sporadically spent three years of my life focusing on came to a complete end yesterday.  I had given all my heart.  I had tried everything I could do.  I said everything that could be said.

I left it with grace.  I left it with words of truth and not bitterness.  I left it with well wishes and good luck and an, “I know our paths will cross again” sense.

It hurt, though.  Because I’m loyal.  Because I’m driven.  Because I’m passionate.  Because I’m persistent.  Because I’m hopeful.

But I let it go.  With a couple quick sentences and explanations that made anything but sense as they were uttered, it was over.  It was done.  That piece of my heart had been released.

So, I cried today in church.  I cried today in church when the pastor said that sometimes, you have to let go of the things you are holding onto the hardest, to find what God wants for you.  I wish that’s what I was thinking yesterday when I let go of you.  But I was thinking something more along the lines of, this has gotten too hard.  And I can’t do it anymore.

What I’ve learned about life, is that when you release things that weren’t meant to be, what should be finds its way into your life.  Tomorrow represents the second-year anniversary of the launch of RulingSports.com.  I remember the things in my life that I gave up to bring the website to life.  And I am thoughtful daily of the good things that have come into my life since I let go of those things and accepted new opportunities.  In short, my prayers were answered.

It confuses me to think that the thing I prayed about the most over the last three years wasn’t myself.  Or my family.  Or my career.  It was you.

And today, another prayer was answered.